exactly that

Posts tagged ‘random babble’

1,000

Margaret Hamilton, Judy Screen shot from The Wizard of Oz, Margaret Hamilton as The Witch of the West, in all black and her face and hands painted green, and Judy Garland as Dorothy with long brown curls and a blue bow in her hair. Witch says "RED SHOES and BLUE GINGAM [sic]? What a fashion Nightmare, m dearie!" Dorothy says "Yeah? Well the Goth Look is so 1990s"Garland

I started this blog almost three years ago. When I first started it I needed an outlet. I needed a way to get some things out of my head. I suppose that it started as a hobby some could say.

But I sat down with The Guy at dinner one night while we were still living in Hawai’i. I was facing my medical discharge, and my life was in limbo. I had to figure out what was going to happen with the rest of it. I had a lot of options, but I had to figure out what I wanted to do. I had my military training and education background. I had my civilian education…  I needed to find a way to make a living with that. I also had developed a secure relationship that needed to be taken into consideration, and no matter what anyone thinks about that, for the first time since I was a messed up teenager fawning over a younger high school guy, I was in a relationship with someone who actually loved me unconditionally. I needed to give that consideration. We discussed my options, and one of those options — one that The Guy was surprisingly supportive of — was that I could stay with him and focus on writing.

So I poured my energy into this blog.

random babble… became my primary job. A thankless, and unpaid job that I have fallen in love with. It has been a labour of love that has driven me forward. Sometimes I just plopped whatever I wanted into the pages, but mostly, I have painstakingly crafted my thoughts and, yes, babbling out here. It drew a network of fellow bloggers across the world that have become friends, and that eventually lead to the project that has been the remarkably successful FWD/Forward. Another labour of love that I haven’t been able to contribute to as much as I have wanted, but it is also something that I give my limited time and energy to, because it is something that my family decided to support me in doing.

But this isn’t a hobby. When I sit down to get to work I am not just messing around on the computer all day. I am working, even if my work is not valued by people who think they get to place judgment and value on my work.

If I may borrow words from my dear friend and FWD co-blogger, s.e. smith:

This isn’t fun for me.

And I think that’s a common impression that people have of social justice bloggers; people refer to our ‘little’ sites and the work we do in a sort of snide, sneering way which suggests that it’s is a hobby. Something we do in our spare time. Something we do to entertain ourselves. What we do is not valued as work, at all. And that allows people to continue devaluing us and the work that we do, over and over.

Activism has always involved uncompensated work. The payoff, the goal, is to change minds. To shape ideas. To be involved in changing the world around us and to make a difference. Both for ourselves now, and for future generations. The work of people engaged in activism for centuries has allowed me to reach this point and I hope that my work in turn allows people in the future to reach an even more advanced point, to live in a better world, a place where basic human rights are universally acknowledged and accepted.

One thing this is not, though, is fun. If I wanted to have fun, there are a lot of other things I could write about. I could maintain a fiction blog, for example, and work on serialised fiction. That would be fun. It would allow me to develop as a writer and to share ideas and to network with people and, yes, to have fun. I could write about hobbies, and network with people who also enjoy those hobbies. That would be fun. I could maintain, say, a knitting website. But I don’t. Because I am not writing for fun. I am writing to survive.

I could do about a dozen other things. I could probably go get a DoD job. I still have the active background check to get the last job I had in the Navy (though that would be equally draining on my silverware drawer). I could have a website about paper crafts or the fiction I secretly write (then I’d have to share!).

This work is important. So I put my energy into this social justice work that I do that isn’t seen as work, even as I spend countless hours pounding out pieces of my mind into blog posts that go up all over the internet, though I never see the change they make, as s.e. points out.

Even as it has finally and indirectly had the desired result — admittedly not yet the livable result that I am aiming for — of being a job that I can point to and say “See, someone has finally paid me for this work I have done!” it will still be my “little blog posts”.

1,000 blog posts and this is where I am. 1,000 blog posts (and then some), and it means something, no matter what anyone says.

This is my work.

It means something to me.

This is what I have done.

I have worked, and created, and fucked up, and owned some, and tried again, and toiled, stretched sensibilities, been bullied, and had some great successes.

But this space is mine, and 1,000 blog posts later I am proud of it. All of it, the good and the bad. It’s come a long way since the little self published iWeb blog it used to be.

Because it has been a learning curve for me, both in this social just sphere and as an introspective lesson.

To diminish the work that has gone into it is to diminish me, and I don’t accept that.

1,000 posts.

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The Power of a Lie…

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I have been thinking a lot about the power of words lately…

I have a firm belief that Words Mean Things. I am pretty sure I say it all the time.

I have felt that power quite a bit as other people in my life, both Bloglandia and Meat World have decided that not only do Words Mean Things, but that if they decide it is so, words can be twisted to suit purposes. Words can be spread w/ half truths or no truths to those who either have no access to that truth or don’t bother with that truth.

I have discovered the harsh reality of being part of something large and wonderful. When you are part of something that huge that grows so fast and is received so well by so many it is only expected that there will be a negative backlash. It hurts to see people that you respect take the negative at face value. It hurts to watch your friends torn apart across the cyber-world, knowing that those words used against them are not only not true, but gross assumptions and not being bothered. Assumptions made by snap judgment. And it hurts worse to know that the best thing you can do is sit quietly and hold your truth like a glass orb in your hands as if it contained a great mystery.

I have discovered that people in the Meat World will go to great lengths to tear you apart by using the truth against you as if you have ever contested it in the first place. They will flex the power they have to try to hurt or destroy you by sneaking and skulking around in your personal space or home while you are vulnerable, collecting what they think is “gotcha” evidence, but what is really only proof of what you maintain to be the truth. Two versions of the truth, one that could be cleared up if anyone gave a damn to ask you in the first place. But, sadly, no. It is way more fun to run off, using their perceive position of power over you, to bend laws and regulations to do what they think they have a right to. Twisting the truth is always more fun than reality. Again, you sit w/ the truth carefully printed out cleanly in fresh words as bright as blood on snow, waiting for the moment to present it.

It’s the same as people who will use personal information gained when the pretended to love and care about you to hurt you and spread lies about you. They also use it to hurt your loved ones. Wev. Eventually that scar heals, but others can always see it because it has toughened the skin in that place.

There are lies that cost you friends and lies that cost you money. Some hurt worse than others, but you hold onto the truth and you carry on, knowing that you are a good person, and that somehow you will come through it, stronger, and able to make better decisions about who you let into your life in the future.

Because I am experienced with being on the receiving end of the fallout of Lies. I have a whole lifetime filled w/ chasing lies and half truths meant to hurt me, lies meant to protect me, lies that chase me out of my home and lies that leave me alone, burdened w/ that whole world on my shoulders and not a soul to believe me.

Because, cops don’t lie, you know.

And I know that people believe that if you see it in print or in email or on a blog (hell, I write this w/ a bitter taste of irony in my mouth) that it is the truth.

Because words mean things

even when it is a Lie.

Sometimes Lies Mean Things too. They mean more about the Person telling them than the person holding that Mystery in hir lap.

But Truth Will Out.

I know this, and I believe this.

I have to.

The choke marks heal and the wounds of the words fade; eventually those who are meant to see truth read the words, and your heart heals from the pen wounds.

The right truth speaks.

And sie finds hir voice.

Before I close up, let me dedicate this song:

Friday Random Babblings…

On Monday my baby brother’s wife is going to be induced to give birth to twin boys.  They are concerned about her very high blood pressure, water retention, and other such things.

The part I can’t figure out is that if it is so urgent, and so vital to her health, why are they able to wait to schedule it on Monday?

(more…)

No, I didn’t die…

I have finished TWO lengthy books in four days (over 1300 pages).  Now the series is finished, and I am a little sad about that.  I may just read them all over again, b/c it has taken me two years to finish them.  They are the first books since Harry Potter that have sucked me into what I call “book world”.  You know, that place you get when you are so engrossed in a book that the world around you falls away and you are in the story?  That’s my book world.  

I love following Phédre’s adventures and trying to solve the intrigues before she does (which I seldom can).  It took me a while to settle into reading from Imriel’s point of view, but before long I was completely caught in it and it swallowed me whole like Phédre’s did.  I have fallen in love w/ Terre D’Ange and all it’s inhabitants, and Alba and all of it’s.  I’ve grown so fond of the characters, and even loved the damnable Melisand Shahirizai.  I love that the women in her stories aren’t just strong women, but really strong and deep characters.  The wikis and amazon descriptions don’t do the books justice (the wikis are incorrect on so many plot details, and the Amazon review makes Sidonie sound like a helpless princess, which she is anything but), not in the least.  They are so ridiculously good that I can not find anything to read that suits me after them.  Believe me, I have tried.

Also, I have been grieving a loss a little.  No, no one has died and things at home are as seemingly perfect as ever…I am just dealing w/ the loss of something I have leaned on for almost ten years, and at first I was confused and hurting, sad and crying.  Now, I seem to have seamlessly moved through that and into anger.  It hurts and I think it is part of the growing pains of being a grown up in a grown up’s life.  I think these things have to happen despite ourselves and we have to work ourselves through it.  At this point, no matter what it will never be the same.

And through it I haven’t had the strength to read through my normal reader and see all the really depressing shit that goes on in the world.  I care too fucking much, and the gravity of the feminist blogosphere sometimes weighs heavily on me and I have to step back.  Hopefully before I have to say something like, “fuck yourself, soopermouse, and your armchair quarterback superiority”.  B/c I would hate to say something like that.  And if I had spent much time in the blog world these last few days I would have done just that.

 

I might be back soon.  I am going to try posting videos and such to keep up appearances.  I have a pop culture thing weighing on me, about a rather unfeminist guilty pleasure of mine.  I was also gonna write about a recent episode of Bones, but Renee beat me to it.  I don’t agree fully w/ her analysis, but I also am still checking some cis privilege, and I think she is spot on for the most part.  There are a lot of things she said that I am totally in agreement.  But, if I agreed 100% w/ everything out there then there would be no reason to reflect and rethink my own POV.

That is that.  For reals, yo.

Children are Plague Rats

And that is why I have not posted since Monday.  I love the way a kid can get only the mildest symptoms of a  cold they pick up at school, and the whole family gets the brunt of it.  Gah!

Also, we started our overseas screening– Vaccine fun for the whole family!  I recommend you run out and get you an overseas screening complete w/ PPDs for small children right away!  You’ll wonder how you lived your whole life w/o them!

 

More to come later today after my NyQuil coma wears off.

No Wednesday Whedon For You!

A great friend of mine had the *cutest baby yesterday! I was a little preoccupied holding the **most adorable freshly squeezed bundle of sweet screaming pooping life! I am on my way to do the same…so I will get around to blogs later!

Consider this an open thread for whatever suits your fancy!

And to the Mama, Yay! You did it!

*yes, i am biased.
**i reserve the right to say “my own children excepted” but like i said…biased.

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