exactly that

Posts tagged ‘drugs are bad mmm’kay’

If Only It Were Real…

My brain has been staging what I believe to be a very violent coup for the last couple of days. I have a hunch that it involves an exit of some sort from somewhere around my right eye. Oy, my stars it hurts, and Great Loving Ceiling Cat I have been tempted to help it along over the last day or two.

Pain drives to you ends that you wouldn’t normally be willing to seek. Even more interesting, I discover as I move through some of my worst days, the fear of pain can be just as motivating, as I find myself in a panic, sometimes losing my cool at the pharmacy when being told that my script for one thing or another needs to be delayed or can not be filled as per my doctor’s directions due to one policy or another. Fortunately I have been through several meetings with various administrators at our hospital about the “singer provider” programs, which I know to be nothing more than devices contrived to catch drug seekers, so I survive in the web of rules. Barely.

Not everyone knows how to navigate the system as I do, to ensure providers that they are legitimately living with chronic conditions requiring actual care.

But still, I find that even with all of this administrative understanding, and one offer to be a Patient Advocate for my eloquence and fierceness of fighting for patient rights, I still find a simple thing like filling a prescription that allows me to live my life in a manageable manner a trying affair.

My doctor attempted to write my script to allow me sixty days of medication, both because it would allow me to not have to come in every three weeks, and because our evacuation books require it. The hospital pharmacy and the policy won’t allow me to obtain this much at one time. Only thirty days, and that is it. The pharmacist took the time to tell me that the policy could be set aside if I had a real condition, like a seizure disorder, but not for me.

Funny, because my medication is specifically approved for my specific condition, which is a pain disorder, and going off of my medication for even one day causes a relapse of that pain, and side effects that aggravate that pain.

I forget, though, that pain is not a real condition. Not one to be taken seriously, anyway. When I complain to the doctors about my migraines, almost certainly they tell me it is because I am taking too much pain medication, and I am experiencing snapback. But I am using the pain medication only for the migraines, because I have so much trouble getting it for anything else, and have to squirrel it away just in case of migraines. It’s a cycle, and one I am sick of explaining away.

It’s the reason that I have become adjusted to living with a certain amount of daily pain, that I hardly notice how it affects my daily life, so that when I get something abnormal, like a migraine that a normal person would consider a level “7” or higher on a pain scale, I rate it a 6 (it’s super legit, right?), but really I think I may be experiencing the Stigmata, pound it with some pain meds, and try to sleep it off. I crack jokes about how it feels, about how I want to jump out a window or how I understand how someone one thought that drilling holes in heads actually cured headaches. I skip using pain meds on days I probably should use them so that I can use them more on high pain days. The migraine blinds me, it makes me see stars, it makes me dizzy when I stand, but I stave it off and push through with as much as my stomach can handle.

Then, the doctors and pharmacists can be kind of right, due to the stringent rules they set up.

It seems that pain is to be treated as if it isn’t real, and that those of us who live with pain are simply poor, suffering drug seekers.


The Times of Your Life

Close-up photo of Corey Haim, a white man with blue-grey eyes wearing a maroon shirt.So, Corey Haim died yesterday.

It was, of course, tragic. How sad, to lose someone who had talent too soon, and who was a part of great things. Even more sad is to know that he struggled, always thinking that he somehow wasn’t good enough, despite all the great things that he had been a part of.

I mean, The Lost Boys and License to Drive were two incredibly fun movies from my childhood that I remember fondly. The Lost Boys was the first bite of my vampire love. He was an icon in his own right.

In true Hollywood Owes Us Everything fashion, the details of his death were everywhere. I am sure I will be seeing the sordid details of his Tragic Last Moments on tabloids in the grocery store checkout for some time, because the tabloids love to pick that stuff up. They have spent some good time pointing and laughing at the child star whom Hollywood deemed wasn’t worth anything anymore. I am sure that the likes of Dr. Phil and his ilk will be making all these great appearances about how he should have accepted some kind of help or another and how they could have saved him. I have already seen that ZOMCC he had PRESCRIPTIONS from a DOCTOR, and we all know that for an addict one should never have THOSE (because drugs are bad, mmm’kay, even if you need them for a heart condition).

And as someone whose self esteem has been crushed from time to time by real assholes who once fooled her into believing they gave a damn, I know that it must have been pretty fucking awful to see the ways that everyone was eager to say terrible things about your every fault line to anyone who would listen. Corey Haim was a human who had worth beyond what was able to be packaged and sold for a quick buck, but somewhere along the line it is possible that even he stopped believing that. I am sure that he was a good person. He had family and friends who cared (even if they were few). He was working again, and caring for his mother who had cancer. He was fighting.

And then he lost.

I think that his best friend, the other half of the famed “Two Coreys”, Corey Feldman, said it best on Larry King Live (via Shakesville):

I appreciate the fact that everybody [in the acting community] really cares and is trying to show their expression of sorrow right now. But at the end of the day, Larry, where were all these people the last 10 years, the last 15 years of Corey’s life? … Where were all these people to lend a hand out, to reach out to him and say, you know, you’re a legend, you’re an amazingly talented, wonderful person who’s really never gone out of his way to hurt anybody other than himself. He was there for his mom and he took care of her. He’s always been a good person.

…In this entertainment industry, in Hollywood, we build people up as children. We put them on pedestals. And then when we decide that they’re not marketable anymore, we walk away from them. And then we taunt them and we tease them. And things like TMZ, outlets like that, where it’s acceptable in society—it’s okay for society, as a whole, to poke fun at, to point fingers at, to laugh at us as human beings. Why is it okay to kick somebody when they’re down? I don’t think it is. And I don’t think it should be tolerated anymore.

…He had nobody to turn to. I was one of the few people he had left in his life. You know, you see these people making great statements and that’s wonderful and I hope they’re all there for the memorial. And I hope they’re all there for the funeral. But where were they during his life?

And that’s something that I believe that everybody in this society needs to hold themselves accountable for. I think that we all need to grow up. And we need to think about every time we laugh at somebody in the tabloids, or every time we poke a finger at somebody and say they’re a joke or they’re fat or they’re a drug addict or they’re washed up or they’re a loser, we need to look at ourselves and say, who am I?

It’s wonderful for people to be remembered in death. It’s amazing to have people remember you fondly.

But where were they during his life?


Hollywood, and the people to stare at it in every media form, has this fetish with celebrity death. We have this perceived right to every sordid detail of any death, and we feel that we get to ponder their deaths and why they happened, and that the fact that they made movies or entertainment means that their lives are ours for consumption. But we don’t. Because underneath all of the fame lies a human who still deserves dignity and privacy.


There is a hyphen there. That hyphen represents a lot of years.

Thirty nine years of life where there could have been many instances for all of the people who wanted to remember and love Corey to have that chance. They could have been a part of that hyphen. They could have been a part of showing him that he had worth, that he wasn’t just a guy who was that kid in that movie once. He was a person with talent and worthy of love and friendship.

But instead, all they were a part of was the laughing and careless joking that made that hyphen a more painful place for him to exist.

We fetishize celebrity death and destruction, while ignoring the hyphen, the meaning and the years in between. The bits and pieces that make them the human that no one seems to give a damn about are irrelevant to most of us.


Rest in peace, Corey.

Related posts of mine that you might be interested in:

The Public Consumption of Britney

On Speculation and Boundaries

Some blogwhoring…

johnn depp and orlando bloom
see more Lol Celebs

I haven’t done one of these in a while … there has been a lot going on.  Apologies if I have missed something awesome that you did, and please share it in comments.

Cara at the Curvature: Not the Man I Know:

It’s not a musing about how violent people are generally capable of hiding their violence in certain contexts. Nor is it even usually an attempt to justify one’s relationship with a violent person. It’s just a flat-out denial. Perhaps even worse, it’s a dismissal.

He’s not aggressive. He respects women. He’s very sensitive. He loves children. He gives back to the community. Once, I saw him do this thing that I consider to be the opposite of the accusation.

Chally: Limits:

You need to approach me as limited because you need someone to be less than you. It is a relief to have someone to compare yourself with and think that you’re doing better than me, at least.

The next two I found via the Sixth Carnival of Feminist Parenting, which is really great and worth checking out.

Ruth Moss: Dear Kate Harding:

You don’t mind those children who are controlled by their parents, or at least, the ones where the parents try to control them. You realise it’s difficult to control them (in the same way it’s difficult to control weight: clue; in both cases, control is the wrong approach). But at least try, come on! And as for those parents who take some kind of pride in not controlling their kids at all (and is it just me, or do I detect the tiniest hint of classism there too?) they’re the lowest of the low.

Umm, did you know Carrie Fisher has a blog? And that she is still awesome (like I had any doubt)?

You see, I was hot when most people are hot—- in my fucking 20’s & part of my 30’s……THEN, in an effort to imitate humans, I had a child &, to further maintain my life like disguise, I took medications for about 9 thousand years, &, despite all my efforts, I continued to get older & older——inadvertently, I assure you———-I tried to arrest my development physically as WELL as emotionally, but unfortunately without as much success. I also must confess that I ate food. I’m sorry….. I realize that I promised never to eat anything but lettuce & sun flower seeds, but tragically, I was unable to keep my promise.

s.e. smith: The chemical coshing of sexuality:

Make no mistake: disabled persons who want an independent sex life are routinely denied lives as sexual beings. Whether they are sterilised in institutions, forced to take medications in exchange for being allowed to live independently, or not informed about the sexual side-effects of medication, their voices are left out of the treatment decision-making, even when treatment has very real – and sometimes deadly – side-effects.

Liss:  On Carrie PreJean:

To make an issue out of these tapes, to endorse or encourage their release for any reason, is to perpetuate the rape culture. Despite our collective refusal to regard them thus, celebrity sex tapes released without the participants’ consent is sexual assault. Consenting to the sex act, even consenting to its being filmed, is not implicit consent that images of the act be publicly distributed.

From Change.org:

(That by-ling is not a mistake, that’s me!)

Unfortunately, the intersection of feminism and the military receives limited coverage in womanist/feminist circles unless the discussion centers around rape. Don’t misunderstand me: Rape is a serious issue in the Armed Forces.  In weekly posts to come, I fully intend to discuss military rape and sexual assault, the ways it is being addressed (or not) by Upper Brass, how awareness is being raised, and the effectiveness of training geared toward preventing assault. Yet if we, as feminists/womanists, feminist allies, and other women’s rights advocates, focus only on rape and sexual assault, then we are dismissing the positive experiences and achievements made by women every day.

There is a ton more that I haven’t remembered to bookmark, shamefully.  Some of the FWD/Forward team is also doing a stint at Bitch as the Transcontinental Disability Choir, so please stop by and show us your love! Drop your links in comments, and show some love to the peeps who worked on these pieces (and me!)

ETA: I am ashamed to say I forgot to bookmark and link to Quixotess’ Boycott of Feministing.  Read her post for why, because I appreciate her boosting the signal.  Can’t stop the signal, Mal. Also, see Meloukhia’s Open Letter if you need a brush up.

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