exactly that

I have been trying to think of a way to make the middle portion of New Moon interesting for you all.

But truth be told, it’s kind of not an easy task.

So Bella finds herself in the all too willing arms of Jacob, the werewolf.

At first, when Jacob becomes a werewolf he refuses to see Bella, leaving her completely in the dark about his new big secret.  Automatically Bella assumes that it is because he is so in love with her that he can’t be around her anymore, and she delves into despair again, because Jacob was what was holding her together, figurative and literally, since she is alway an ill paved sidewalk away from tripping and offing herself.  Don’t forget girls, you need that boy to hold your life together or you too will be filled w/ a giant gaping hole in the middle of your chest.

But, eventually Jacob can’t stand being away and decides that he has to get Bella to figure out his secret (good luck, I thought, because this girl had never read a vampire story before, so I am guessing she hasn’t brushed up on werewolves either).  Don’t worry, though!  Remember back to Twilight, when Bella shamelessly flirted with Jacob to get him to tell her old Quileute legends so she can try to learn more about Edward.  Not an ass hole move there.  But, she didn’t give a shit then and we don’t now, because it helps her figure out Jacobs secret and YAY!  they can be friends again!  Now she has her life affirming man again!

And things continue on about the same as they did for the last five chapters, except now there are a bunch of werewolves to keep her safe instead of vampires.  They have to help protect her from Victoria, who is hell bent on killing her remember, but whom, regrettably, we never actually see in this book (oops!  Bella sees her once while she is practically unconscious and being rescued by Jacob).  Relax, anyone who thought there might actually be any type of conflict of interest…you won’t have to deal with any of that here.

And so it goes, lots of faux fear, and Bella whimpering and crying and being carried around by werewolves, and by this point I wanted to bludgeon myself with the book.  New Moon is by far my least favorite of the series (and that is saying something), because all we are beat with relentlessly is this theme that Bella falls apart as one supernatural man after another fails her in some way.

I was actually glad when she jumped off the fucking cliff (not in a wishing her dead or violent way), because that brought along some kind of forced conflict and broke up the monotony of this ridiculousness.

See, she was supposed to go cliff diving with Jacob, but he had werewolf-y responsibilities regarding the not threat of Victoria.  So she went anyway, and like the rational person that she is, or rather like the hopelessly in despair girl without her true love that Smeyer wants us to embrace, she jumps from the highest cliff alone into a stormy ocean.  She almost drowns, but it’s OK, because Edward is there, his lovely hallucinated self, and at least if she is going to die she can see and hear him one more time.

*barf*

Really, seriously, I had a boyfriend whom I was certain I was going to marry when I was 18 because ZOMG he was the one true love evah, and being the good church girl that I was then I did my fair share of shaping my life around his…but give me a break.  We broke up and reunited in good teenage fashion, and never, I mean never, did I give myself over to wanting to die because I would be able to think about him one last time…give me a fucking break.

*wipes mouth*

Moving on.

But Jacob pulls her to safety, while she is dreaming that it is Edward.

But, remember Alice?  With her amazing future seeing but can’t predict a paper cut powers?  Well she apparently can’t see werewolves (cool!) so since she occasionally checks up on Bella she only sees Bella jump into the water, and not come out, because she was with the werewolves.  Logically she assumes Bella has died, and blabbers it to her whole family, who left without ever saying good-bye.

Remember Rosalie?  Who hates Bella’s stinking blood and guts?  She decides that she should tell Edward, who also does the logical thing.  That is, he decides to run to the Vatican the Volturri, the weird Vampire kings who Carlisle used to hang with.  Turns out they are kind of like some vampire enforcers, like that guy who looks like John Malkovich in True Blood only older and more sinister.  If Edward reveals himself to the Italian public as a vampire they will kill him, and he won’t have to live in a world without Bella, which he would have had to do eventually because he doesn’t want her to be a vampire.

So, Alice rushes to Bella’s from who knows where, presumably to console Charlie I suppose, but is surprised to find Bella alive and dripping wet.  In a whacky turn of forced plot the phone rings while Jacob is over trying to talk Bella into not consorting with vampires again, and he answers it.  He thinks it’s Carlisle calling for Charlie, and tells him that Charlie isn’t available because he is at the funeral (coincidentally one of Charlie’s friends has died, ha ha!) and hangs up.

OOPS!

It was actually Edward calling, and now Edward thinks Bella is really dead, so he is really going to try to go through with his plan now.  But of course Alice sees that they have one chance left:  to race to Italy to steal a flashy car and convince Edward that Bella is in fact alive.  Thank gods that Bella happens to have a passport that she never used!

There is a lot of comparing Bella and Edward to Romeo and Juliet going on at this point, and I will leave you to that one on your own.  I can’t do it.

They race out leaving Jacob there with his sad face mumbling “Sure, sure” as she rushes off to the guy who left her for dead in the forest.

Don’t worry about Jacob, though, because Smeyer turns him into a total douche halfway through Eclipse, so you don’t have to feel sorry for him for long.  Half of us, according to T-shirt sales at the mall, aren’t supposed to like him for long anyhow.

So, off to Italy they go, and wouldn’t you know it they get there just in time to stop Edward from unleashing his glittering fury all over Vatican City Voltere Where the Fuck Ever.  Bella races, trips, smashes into people, splashes through a fountain and throws herself into Edward who now thinks she’s a hallucination.  HA!  She kisses him and The Day is Saved!

Only not.

Because the Volturi guards saw him anyway, and now we are to suffer seemingly endless exposition that makes Steinbeck seem concise as Edward, Alice and quivering shaking freaking out and can barely walk for fear Bella to see the Volturi.

These dudes are all bent out of shape because Edward doesn’t want to play on their dodgeball team and allow them to use his gift for their machinations, so they decide that since Bella knows their secret she must die in one manner or another.  Either change her or kill her, so bite that, Eddikins, because now you can’t keep Bella human!  And with absolutely no dramatic events happening all is resolved and they are released to leave with little more than a promise to change Bella in the future.  They will totally do it, too, I mean, when I left the hospital after giving birth with little more than a promise to poop one day I did it.  Good enough for ancient vamps, right?  Totes.

And everyone comes back to Forks now, happy as clams, except for Bella because she is sure that Edward is just being nice until he can dump her off and run again, even though they are essentially making out the whole plane ride back to Charlie’s purple angry face.  Oh yeah, he is not only pissed that Bella left for three days without telling him, but now Edward is back, so that really chafes, ya know!

So Edward explains to Bella that he left her because he loved her, and everything is hunky dory.  In fact, hahaha, the possessions he stole were actually under her floor boards the whole time!  Everything can go back to being absolutely perfect with the glowing white prince, and bad dirty savage Jacob is left to stew in the unfairness of it all.  He even gets his revenge by bringing the motorcycles so Charlie can find them.  HA!

That whole issue with Victoria wanting to smash the life out of precious Bella?  Did we miss that?  Wasn’t there something about that back in, like chapter 5?  Meh, fuck it.  I am sure it will turn up eventually.  I am certain there will be something snazzy to hook us into the next book.

Oh, yeah, I am going there (and you are too!).

So, now I can put New Moon to rest.  This really is the worst book ever, and we haven’t even gotten to date rape and bad boy ping-pong!

Previous New Moon blogging, if you can stand it, here, here, here and here, and the special Racism in Twilight post here.

Go get some wine!  You’re gonna need it!

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Comments on: "In which I fast forward because it’s just that bad…" (15)

  1. mzbitca said:

    oooh Good I love bad-boy ping pong

  2. Wow, if only I still had all of the terrible, melodramatic crap that I wrote in high school, I could finish the stories and make huge amounts of money off of it. Because this seriously sounds exactly like what I wrote when I was an angsty teenager. Thanks for diving in so that I didn’t have to.

  3. So why are you reading this mainstream crap again?

    • Because I have a young daughter. Odds dictate that at some point she is going to want to read this stuff. In the spirit of allowing her to make choices that are properly hers to make (for example, the things she likes to read and watch) I find it my responsibility to subject myself to what is popular among the kids these days (and kids older than her) so that she and I can have intelligent and meaningful talks about it, why she likes or dislikes something, and the kind of messages she is or should be taking away from popular culture.

      It is what initially lead me to read Harry Potter, which I did start reading and hadn’t seen the movie until my now husband wanted me to see Goblet of Fire with him. That was when I watched all the movies in one weekend, and after seeing GoF I went out and picked up all the books.

      Kid has started reading “chapter books”, working her way through Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and we just picked up Coraline. She wants to read Sorceror’s Stone when she gets home this fall, and even though she is just going into second grade I think she is capable (even though her school says it is 3rd to 5th grade level).

      I also routinely keep tabs on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, just so I know what she is watching, too.

      Perhaps I should do a post on why pop-culture should matter to parents. ???

      • Perhaps you should. A stunning amount of feminist seem to think that pop culture doesn’t matter if you just don’t pay attention to it.

      • Makes more sense now… You would have had a hard time with me-I was reading college level sci-fi by middle school. I still read a lot of chilren’s books myself, though I tend to stay away from whatever is popular. I had the best experience growning up, because my dad had this old collection of classic sci-fi and I got to peruse Heinlein and Assimov and Harrison to my heart’s delight. Also, when I was younger, it was the “Interview with a Vampire” series that was popular, which at least does not have glittering vampires. lol You would have had quite a job on your hands! To me, “glittering vampires”, i.e., poorly written literature, is much worse for the psyche than anything else you’ve mentioned. *sigh* I’m such a nerd!

        • That was me, too. By junior high the school was out of challenging level material for me. I read anything I could get my hands on.

    • Barbara P said:

      I loathe the Twilight series, but I defend the idea of commenting on mainstream “crap”. (Regardless of whether or not you’re a parent.)

      There may be many people (teenage girls especially) out there who have read Twilight and feel vaguely uncomfortable about it, but can’t articulate quite why. Reading a post on a blog may be very helpful to them to clarify those thoughts. It may even lead them to “see the feminist light” (so to speak).

      Besides, being a feminist doesn’t necessarily mean you hate popular literature. That would exclude a lot of women. (Never mind the implication that “the classics” or “high literature” is somehow beyond feminist critique?)

  4. Oops.

    Someone left a comment related to this post that was eating by my very hungry spam filter. I didn\’t see it to catch it in time while I was cleaning it out. Please accept my apologies, and try submitting it again. I didn\’t even get to finish reading it, but it was very much on my \”Smeyer turns Jacob into a total douche\” point.

  5. […] to read and recap the first book.  I didn’t have the stomach or dedication to continue, but others far braver than I have delved into the clusterfuck of twisted relational values that are the books […]

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