exactly that

Pause

The five of you that regularly read this blog may have noticed a lack of content in the last few days.

“Migraine” doesn’t cover it.

A few years ago when I was still in language training I started having the headaches from hell, which won’t be called migraines by my doctors b/c I am not photosensitive (light hurts, but not like it supposed to I guess, also I am apparently not a vampire).  They got so bad that I would pull my hair until it came out b/c I felt like it was relieving the pressure.  I couldn’t get up b/c the world would swirl around me and I would fall over, and the pain felt like it would literally crush my head.  Nothing, I repeat NOTHING they gave me would help.  Not the ibuprofen that they initially gave me (which is standard w/ the military to first give this), not the shot of Midrin they wanted to give me in my ass (the pharmacist literally ran through the halls to stop them b/c it would have killed me w/ my Aspirin allergy).  The Zomig made me feel like I was having a heart attack so they didn’t give that to me anymore.  In fact, anything w/ a Triptan in it did this, and they didn’t give me any relief otherwise.  Tylenol 3 was no help, but managed to constipate me nicely.  The medics tried a caffeine IV which only managed to keep me awake, sleep being the only thing that allowed me any relief.  I am sure I am forgetting some things, but wev.  You get the point.  Finally I was hospitalized for several days w/ a nice steady stream of morphine coursing through my veins, and no scan or image could find one damned thing wrong w/ me.  Finding no cause for my pain they sent me home, still in agony.  For three months I had a standing prescription for Vicodin and a sleeping pill, combined would knock me out for hours after which I would wake up and have to take another dose.  I missed days of work and was eventually dis-enrolled from my class, which set my training back about six months.  The Vicodin was only a band-aid, and while no permanent solution was ever found I eventually told them I couldn’t handle being so drugged up, especially since I was developing a tolerance for it.  This was before most of my body pain became full force later, at which time the Vicodin regimen started again, morphing into the Oxycodone regimen, and a few others that I can’t remember.

No cause has ever been found.  I am used to having at least a mild headache more days than not, but about four days ago the old headaches have come back.  I had enough respite on Tuesday night and we saw Star Trek (AWESOME!) at the I’Park IMAX, which was so loud that I sobbed most of the cab ride home b/c the silence after leaving was so deafening and painful.  When I think I can stand long enough I will see a doctor again, and I know what this will bring (hopefully I can get them to coordinate w/ the VA and get all the re-tests done at once).  I take two Tylenol PMs when I need to sleep, which is the only way I can get any relief.  Today was a good day, and I was able to function like a human (I haven’t been bed ridden, I have learned to suffer through dinners and such for family time, for The Kid’s sake), and even got some gaming time in and shopped for a few books online.  I can’t stress enough how great it is to have a partner like The Guy who dotes on me so, and takes such good care of me (this happening to fall on his current off-set from work).

Sometimes I lay awake and worry that doctors just don’t want to find a problem, and that there is something hiding in my head that the general scans are missing…something that I fear may kill me some day.  There is no good reason for this pain.  This is no migraine.  This is no headache.  It is living hell.  The kind of hell that makes me want to throw things at people who complain about having a headache and actually having to take Tylenol or Motrin twice in one day.  I lost hope a long time ago that anyone was willing to do anything beyond give me a pain killer to shut me up, but that stopped eventually, too.  Apparently, if I don’t want to be on three narcotics and numerous other pills for the side effects that means that I shouldn’t be allowed anything for pain ever.  Or, I am a drug seeker.  How fun.

This is a very long winded way of saying, I haven’t been blogging or reading much.  I have a reader full of things I haven’t glanced at in a few days, and I have a list of bookmarks to things I read last week that I wanted to blog about, or at least make a linking post to.  *sad face*

I think I might be on the (temporary) mend.  Blogging should resume w/ ferocity soon, and if things go well I will be doing some travel blogging since The Kid and I will be States bound in a few weeks (provided my head doesn’t asplode).

Take care, and sorry to those of you who left comments and I haven’t responded.

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Comments on: "Pause" (6)

  1. *hugs*

    Make that **huge hugs**

    I went through a somewhat similar scenario about 15 years ago.

    Never found a cause (or cure), but they mostly went away as mysteriously as they arrived. I get maybe one or two a year. Maybe the same will happen for you.

    I hope so, anyway.

    ***one more hug***

  2. *hug*

  3. Wow. I wish you strength.

  4. *big fucking hugs*

  5. mzbitca said:

    Take all the time you need. We will still be here when you get back.

  6. I am glad you are not a vampire (although it would be cool if you were!)

    Sending you a big hug and positive mind bullets

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