Twilight, chapters 15-17.
I will give chapter 14 about as much attention as it deserves.
“You’re so dreamy, I want to know everything about you”.
“I’d love to tell you in my most arrogant and mocking tone”.
So we have Bella. Bella by her own account is plain, ordinary and nothing special at all. She stinks at everything ever. The fact that she can manage to walk in a straight line w/o killing herself is amazing, and how she survived 17 years w/o Dreamy McPerfectson by her side to be her Perpetual Savior every day is beyond my comprehension.
Making this a stark contrast is the fact that Edward is perfect. I can not emphasize enough how often this fact is perfectly emphasized. He is perfectly good looking. He is perfect smelling. He has perfect eyes and perfect teeth, and his hair is coiffed in a perfectly odd mess. He dresses perfect in perfect labels and has perfect timing and senses. Even his breath is perfect. Who has perfect breath? By human standards alone alone he is already unimaginably perfect. Perfect is used so many times that the word starts to sound odd in my head as I read it. Like when you are drunk and start repeating words over and over again. *Road. Road. Ro-ad. Rooood. Rooooo-aaaad.*
Not only is Edward so perfect by human standards, and blazingly so standing next to plain Jane ordinary nothing special Bella, but he is a vampire, never to age nor fall from that level of perfection. Not only that, but he is apparently the Vampiest Vamp alive! Even among his perfect family. Rosalie, w/ her perfect shape and beauty, Alice who apparently suffers from the inability to walk and can only prance or dance due to her perfect grace, Emmet w/ his perfect strength and charm, Jasper w/ his perfect ability to keep you calmer than everyone else, Esme w/ her perfect compassion and warmth of spirit, Carlisle w/ his perfect morals that allowed him to father this family of the Most Perfect Vampires who are vegetarians, BTW. Edward is the most perfect of them all. He is the fastest (“The Game”), he plays the piano to perfection and can compose dreamy melodies that stagger everyone in earshot (“The Cullens”). He has the keenest senses. He can get the closest to a human that he wants to drink more than anything EVAH! and not rip out her throat. You get the point?
He is even so perfect he can knock a girl out w/ a single kiss…stop her frickin heart (“Mind over Matter”). He is Adonis, you hear me! Women plant fennel in their gardens to his honor and weep b/c his beauty is snuffed out too soon when it withers and dies! He is God’s gift to women (can vampires be a gift from God?)!
Sweeping through three chapters of Vampy perfection to make a point of Edward’s perfection in contrast to Bella’s ordinariness (b/c she can’t for one paragraph allow us to forget that she will never be as special as Rosalie, who is drop dead classically gorgeous) feels to me either bad, lazy writing (can we get Meyer a Thesaurus?) or a great job portraying how pathetically boring the brain of a teenage girl in LUUUUUURVE can be*, but even I can’t be that hopeful. Surely there must be something going on in her head other than the constant obsessing over Edward and what he is thinking…she gives us each mundane detail of each day of her life…where are the other thoughts?
Throughout the chapters here, I couldn’t help but get frustrated when I was tossed bites (sorry, couldn’t resist) of history of the Cullen family origins, but never enough. It’s like when Angel takes a break from the story arch to show bits of when he and Darla wreaked havoc across continents…but there was more than hors d’oeuvres to keep me going. The Cullens are interesting in that they seem to be transformed w/ their souls in tact, and therefore their free will to either choose to resist blood lust for humans or otherwise. This is interesting, and a great way to give depth to otherwise shallow and superficial characters, but that boat never seemed to dock, never mind being missed altogether. Even the major players seem to only have looks and romantic feelings, we never, as readers, see more than this vacuum sealed snapshot of them. We know that Bella is self-depreciating and obsessed w/ her stalker Vampire Sweetheart, and that Edward is a creepy controlling stalker who is the Most Perfect Vampire Evah! And we know what everyone else looks like. Unless Edward is reading their minds to spy on Bella.
I am sure the next Twilight post will be full of fun, since it is about 400 pages into an almost 500 page book and we are finally about to get some conflict (“The Hunt”). Buckle your seat belts for some victim blaming and damsel in distress saving wacky antics!
*Hey! I have nothing against teenage girl brains, in Luuuuurve or otherwise. I was one once. It’s a part of growing up and we all grown out of it. I’m just sayin’…