I want to loudly rant…there is a lot to rant about…
B/c what I feel when I talk to doctors is horrified and scared.
They don’t talk w/ me, they talk to me. They never listen, and they always insist, even though a casual glance through my record would tell them that I have been fighting this invisible problem would tell them otherwise, that the magical cure to my quality of life would be to lose weight and exercise.
But when I ran five miles a day, my legs gave up on me, and I didn’t lose any weight. Instead, I was in constant pain and just told that exercise was pain. Fifty pounds ago, I was told that I needed to keep at it. But the exercise was hurting me. One doctor told me to stop running, and start swimming.
And I swam anywhere from 2000 to 5000 meters a day. While my legs stopped hurting (the stress fractures certainly had time to heal), my shoulders, back, hips and other things started hurting more. I was limber and fine, but slowly over a few hours I would tighten up, and soon be in so much pain I was practically bedridden for the night. Plus, swimming increased my headaches to unbearable levels.
I backed down to yoga and pilates. Turns out I can only handle exercise for about twenty minutes at a time.
And through it all, I maybe lost about ten total pounds, and about a total of seven percent body fat. It never seemed to be enough, and as the pain got worse, I had no choice but to back down. I haven’t gained any more, but I sure can’t seem to do enough to make anyone happy.
During the whole time the doctors just kept periodically doing the same tests again and again. The same results came back again and again, and like I said yesterday, for the first time they are doing more tests.
But they are using bigger and scarier words.
And while I want to be loud and yell and rant…
All I can muster up is crying…
I am scared and frustrated.
This is so much more than a doctor calling me fat and making me feel ashamed to actually have the audacity to try and find myself beautiful just the way I am (I actually want one of Kate Harding’s t-shirts for X-mas), this is about me being scared b/c they have been casually tossing words of some pretty scary fucking illnesses around for a few years, and as of yesterday a little more seriously, w/o ever taking me seriously. They talk over me and not too me, unless it’s to tell me that my fat ass needs to lose weight.
I want to yell and rant and be loud…