exactly that

I suppose that Twilight is what I would have come up w/.

I had resolved to not see it.  But since I had not been paying attention and didn’t realize that I would in fact not be enjoying Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince this weekend, and some of us were in a movie going mood and since The Other David was treating (b/c there was no way I was going to spend my own money on it), we figured what the hay, let’s see what all the hype is about.

And now that I am home I am still trying to figure it out.

About a third of the the way through my popcorn and soda I was wondering where the plot that is supposed to drive the movie to finished was.  I had already figured out that the reason that Edward was a vampire is b/c Lord Voldemort killed him in a cemetery about three or so years back and now he has to be abusive and stalker like to this girl w/ no self esteem.  I was creeped the fuck out that he watched her sleep and followed her around.  And that was just the tip of the iceberg.  Fuck, I wish there were icebergs in Washington state, b/c that would have made it interesting.

No, really.  I like vampire flicks and books.  I enjoy the lore and the stories, whether it be Anne Rice or Joss Whedon (though admittedly I haven’t read Brahm Stoker), but apparently Bella needs to bone up on her mythology b/c it took her well over half the movie to put the pieces together, so she has obviously never heard of a vampire in her young life.  There was a lot of room for potential for an interesting story, but I remember being in high school w/ all of the angst, awkward pauses in conversation and indecision about coolness, and it seemed that Twilight managed to cram all four years of it into two hours of pregnant paused and tortured diologue.

What I had heard going into this was that it was an incredibly romantic movie, and what I found was deeply disturbing.  I found Edward’s cat and mouse behavior reminiscent of the bad boyfriend, the one who will break up w/ you to watch you freak out for the controlling effect, and then get back together w/ you to keep you close.  Every time he buckled her belt for her or carried her around or shoved her out of the way so he could drive I cringed at his obsessively controlling behavior.  It bordered on abusive, the way he would talk to her and shove her around.  I lost count of how many times Edward reminded Bella that he could simply make her do something that she didn’t want or thought she couldn’t do (or, wouldn’t let her miss, like the prom).

Bella could be really interesting if there was anything interesting about her.  Aside from being clumsy (which she has to use to cut herself down about a hundred times), she is your regular vanilla anybody.  Generic Girl  USA.  She is sharply contrasted to how incredible and perfect her dreamy vamp boyfriend is supposed to be.  He sparkles in sunlight and is so strong and so beautiful and so perfect, and he can even dance and play the piano.  Fuck, he has apparently graduated from High School again and again, for shits and giggles.  He is even the vampiest vamp, apparently, and all of that is meant to protect poor Bella who can’t even watch where she is walking.  She is what would be labeled as “normal” and awkward and private and has absolutely no self confidence.  Even when Edward tells her that he can read any mind but hers, she assumes something must be wrong w/ her.  I couldn’t find one personality trait about her, except that she must be reasonably book smart (except on vampire lore).

Anyone who thinks this movie is romantic has a pretty messed up idea of what a healthy relationship is.

I will give Twilight credit for one thing, I haven’t laughed so hard at a movie all year.  It was so heavy on the Over Drama that we were almost crying.  The Guy and I kind of want to read the books together now to keep up w/ the laughing.  The dialogue is forced and awkward, and the acting is incredibly over dramatic (however, given that the characters are supposed to be 17, melodrama is probably supposed to be the thing to do), and the plot…well I do remember turning to The Guy and asking him what exactly was supposed to resolve so that the fucking movie could end.  I felt like the whole movie was one big introduction to something, and it probably was.  Great if you had read the books, and knew that, but if you are just along for a movie, like we were, be prepared to be bored out of your mind, or find things to make fun of.

I am a big fan of anything that gets people reading.  What worries me is that the story of Edward and Bella is being toted as some epic love story, when it comes off as a stalker drama, w/ a 17 year old girl deciding that she is ready to have her life force drained to be w/ this dreamy sparkling guy for the next three hundred years or so, and that tguy is not sure if he can make it through the day not tearing her throat out.  Ah the stories they will tell the grand kids!  But read, really, read!

Did anyone else succumb to the desire?  Please share!

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Comments on: "What if I made a movie but forgot to write a script?" (8)

  1. That was the best review of Twilight I’ve read so far :-)

    I haven’t seen the film (yet) but I’ve read the books, and seen the trailer and it seems to me that the film was made for the aldready-fans-of-the-books.
    But I guess it’s a must-see for anyone who’s followed Edward and Bella through the books. The curse of the Twilight fan :-)

  2. I got into a semi-argument with my step-mom about this. She seems to have gotten it into her head that I don’t like the books because they aren’t realistic. This is absolute bollocks, as anyone who as seen my reading list will know. Were it actually the case, she would have been right to call me out for reading Harry Potter. Since it’s not the case, I just got pissed.

    And I fail at verbal communication and was unable to articulate that the books are CREEPY with respect to the relationship and all.

    Since she was in an abusive relationship before she met my dad, I would have thought she’d’ve caught on to the controlling nature of the Edward/Bella thing and kept her daughter well away from it (or at least explained how he’s not being romantic, he’s stalking), but… I guess not?

    I’m pissed about this still.

    Great takedown, and I’m glad you got a laugh out of it.

  3. Vampires are supposed to melt in the sun.

    Period.

    That is all.

  4. I know! What is up w/ this Glam Rock bullshit?

    They are supposed to burst into flames and die.

    Unless you are in Plrtz Glrb or whatever, then, if a vampire, you may point out how NOT on fire you are.

  5. Ace deconstruction (and thanks for the comment)–I honestly don’t think I could pay money to see this, really. Hearing this just confirms it.

  6. […] Twilight blogging here, here, here, here, here, and here.  Be sure to follow the links to the posts by Mzbitca at What a […]

  7. […] What is your favorite book/movie combo?  Adaptations you love or hate?  Anyone paying attention knows that I am a big fan of Harry Potter.  The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman was a win, as was Stardust by Neil Gaiman (Kid was the Fallen Star for Halloween two years ago).  As much as I hate Twilight, the movie makes the book look like Tolkein. […]

  8. I had already figured out that the reason that Edward was a vampire is b/c Lord Voldemort killed him in a cemetery about three or so years back

    that is total win!

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