exactly that

Got this one from i am jack’s non-blog . Posted because the woman wants me to.

So here it is.

You are in a mall when zombies attack. You have:
1. One weapon
2. One song blasting on the speakers
3. One famous person to fight along side you.

I caused myself much agony thinking this one over. Mostly because there were so many variables that influenced my decision. Seriously, I probably reached my thinking limit about an hour ago. This is some serious stuff here. So lemme break this down piece by piece.

“You are in a mall when zombies attack”

So how do I start this one? If you’re in a mall when zombies attack…you get your ass outta there. NOW. Malls are bad mojo. Expect to find looters, crazed shop owners defending against looters, security guards and people stupid enough to think that a mall is a place to come when zombies hit. You may be thinking “Sweet a place to go where there is a whole bunch of stuff that I can use to save myself.” For those of you that have played the game Dead Rising, you know that this is seriously the wrong mentality. Sure there is a bunch of cool stuff at a mall…that is, if you want bath supplies and a new T-shirt. A couple quick reasons why this is a bad idea:

  1. Very unlikely to be any food that is non-perishable. Most of it will be the stuff that the cafe has in the freezer. This might seem like a good place to go. Until the power goes out.
  2. If the mall has a Sears or similar store, you may be able to find yourself a hand held weapon or two. I mean you may even find Ole Trusty’s cousin, Backup at the store. However, you’re unlikely to find guns and ammunition unless the store has a hunting section. If you get lucky enough to find a hunting section that has guns, ammunition and the random other supplies that you’ll need then YAY. Get that shit and get out of there.
  3. Malls have people. Lots of people. People = Zombie Fodder. See the problem?

OK. I’ve established that staying at the mall is a bad idea. So we’ll assume that I’ve hit my head, lost everything I know, and am just another piece of Zombie Fodder. On to the next point.

1. One weapon

This part gave me a brain hernia. I had to decide if we were going with fictional or reality here. I’ve seen a bit of both when I followed the Meme trail back. Then I had to discuss ease of use, ammunition, noise (stealth is good, attracting zombies with noise is baaad) and upkeep. Guns are nice. You get range and decent killing power. However, they are also noisy and run out of ammo eventually. Even with an unlimited supply of ammo, you still have to reload. Melee weapons are good because you never have to worry about your crowbar running out of ammo (although breakage IS a problem. Go with titanium and always carry a backup). However I think that limiting yourself to melee range is a bad idea because of the chance of being surrounded. If you’re not taking zombies out with 1 swing then you run the risk of being overrun rather quickly. Multiple in one swing is even better. So, after some furious discussion with the currently non mohawk’d roomie, I’ve decided to list both fictional choices and reality choices.

Fictional: Lightsaber.

Quiet, and deadly. Zombie heads become warm butter beneath this beauty. One swing in a wide arc around you could take out 4-6 Zeds. Internally powered and super efficient, don’t expect to run out of power any time soon. Also, in the event that you get in a pickle. The lightsaber CUTS THROUGH WALLS. Someone say “escape route”.

Reality: OK here is where things get very difficult. I am subscribing to the “Get the hell outta here” methodology. So I wanna grab something that’ll pack a big punch. Big enough that I can get out of there. So I present:

Reality: The Atchisson Assault Shotgun also known as the Auto Assault -12 (AA-12)

(Skip to 2 minutes into the video)

300 rounds per minute. 32-round drum. Low recoil. 12 gauge shells: Buckshot or slug. Frag-12 rounds which are pretty much mini grenades with 175 meter range. With buckshot and slugs being fairly common for hunting, you’ll be able to find plenty of ammo for this baby. Full-Auto buckshot for your “oh shit” moments. Yeah, I love this thing.

2. One song blasting on the speakers

OK this needs to be something that pumps you up. Something that gets you going and something that you can listen to for hours and hours on end. Now I choose this song for one reason. One day back in college I stayed up all night writing an English paper. I had one song on repeat. It took me 6 hours to finish that paper. I choose this song because I know I can listen to it without end (although if you ask the Woman, she’ll tell you I can pretty much listen to any song…over…and over….and over. So here it is.

Move your Feet by Junior Senior.


3. One famous person to fight along side you.

Fictional first. So this was fairly simple. My first thought went to “Who won’t become all Zombified and eat me?” So I hit up some robots. Data is good. So is the Governator. Although there is one thing that my final choice has that both these guy lacked. Weaponry. So then my thoughts ran to the T1000. Awesome liquid-metal technology. Hand-knives are pretty friggin sweet. But then it occurred to me, “I am going to be looking at Creepy Cop, for an indefinite amount of time. Ack! Yuck! I call him Creepy Cop for a reason. Plus he’s got only melee weapons. Good but not great. So in comes the winner.

Fictional: T-X (Terminatrix)

Sleek, deadly and fully equipped. No zombie is going to hurt the T-X. According to the HUD in the movie my little liquid robot of doom contains:

  1. Plasma Cannon
  2. Flamethrower
  3. .223 Automatic Stopper
  4. .45 Cascader
  5. M41 pulse rifle
  6. 783 CHAIN Repeater
  7. ADMOR BioBlaster
  8. BioRail 32SR-9 (modified)
  9. CG45 Needler
So now I’ve got a lightsaber…and about a gazillion other things to blow up a zombie with. This is my “I WIN” button.
Now on to Reality. So following my “get outta here” theme I didn’t have a hard time choosing my partner. I needed a survivalist. So two choices: Les Stroud or Bear Grylls (chosen because the two are widely known and fit the role). And the winner is:
Reality: Bear Grylls
Chosen for his wicked military career, he’s a survivalist with a background in the SAS *drool*. This dude will help me to survive once we get out and we are definitely getting out. Not much else to say. He rocks and I will rock by proxy.

Comments on: "Zombie Meme (At the Woman’s Request)" (9)

  1. “He simply walks into Mordor”.


    also…i think “brain hernia” is the new cool catch phrase.

  2. The Guy said:

    haha moment: in the process of writing this post…i listened to my “pump up song” about 25 million times.

  3. Dude- the best fictional person is River Tam. She has experience taking out zombie types in mass quantities.

  4. The Guy said:

    See River Tam can still be Zombified AND you have to feed her. Too much upkeep and liability.

  5. I pick Shaun (Simon Pegg). My logic? He’s already survived more zombie plagues than I have, and played XBox at the end. He’s my man.

  6. not wanting to think to much tonight (as usual) but my fictional weapon would be a green lantern ring (if OA was still around etc etc etc)
    and the song playing did not break my concentration (think FEELINGS)

    and of course if im not thinking that much the damn ring would work.

    Guess I’m zombie feed regardless :)

  7. Bear Grylls is full of win. “He simple walks into Mordor.”


  8. or wouldnt work

  9. J-izzle Fo' Shizzle (LoL) said:

    haha that was AWESOME!!!! the shizznits even!!!! haha i LOVE it!!!! you gotta teach me how to do a website!!!!

    J-izzle (LoL)

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