exactly that

what it is that has me down. It’s like I have a parasite and everything that I attempt to be happy or cheerful gets sucked into some part of me where it disappears. I am more than down, I am incredibly depressed right now. And it sucks.

Aside from that my body has not been feeling the best that it could ever. I have limbs falling asleep for no good reason, and have been dealing w/ feet and ankles that feel broken when I walk, which is impossible.

And it hurts. It all hurts. But, as I was telling the Guy the other day as we were driving to Honolulu to find a new gamer store, these two things hurt in remarkably different ways. When my body hurts it certainly is physical. It sometimes hurts enough to make me cry out loud. It frustrates me b/c I want to swim or take walks in the evening and I can barely make it to the door. On my off days I feel house bound, and on work days I am pounding enough pain meds to make me worry about my stomach. But this pain I expect. It isn’t new. This has been going on for years…years of the sheets hurting my legs, years of socks causing me excruciating pain, years of taking my shoes off to drive b/c I can’t feel them.

It’s the sadness that hurts worse, and that is new to me. I have dealt w/ depression most of my life. I have been treated for it for years, to a point where I already know how they are going to “treat” me and what will and will not work. Say all you want about it being a mental block when I can’t just “cheer up” or try to think more positively. I have a few nice words for people who offer that advice. The depression hurts physically. It makes my chest ache inside, and it hurts in other ways I haven’t managed to describe yet. Sometimes I would rather pull my hair out than get out of bed…and sometimes I do. I have yet to figure out how to get through this…but thankfully w/ the Guy here I am getting by.

But I hate it.

I have drawn back from the ‘tubes. I am still lurking and trying to keep up, but I am paranoid inside that if I interact I am going to upset someone and provoke an attack from sites that I don’t find as safe as Shakesville…and I don’t have the energy for “my feminism is better than yours you sexist ass” arguments w/ people who think they own and have trademarked it. I don’t have the energy to read about things that I have written about many times only to find people thinking it’s profound now that someone there has written it. I can’t find the energy to care that I saw a movie last night that made me laugh, genuinely laugh out loud that may have had some questionable themes. I liked laughing and want to feel good about that for now.

So, I am doing what I can. As things strike me I make notes. I haven’t forgotten all of you, and honestly I think I need you now more than ever. I am trying to put up the regular stuff (and should probably take down the blog 365 since I can’t seem to keep up). I just need time to heal before I can care or not get so pissed that I cry. I don’t need to defend myself right now…and perhaps I am a bit too touchy on some feminist topics at the moment…but every time I see something that I have been dismissed or chewed out for writing or commenting about become an “all hail the big bloggerz” topic it pisses me off…and I don’t need that right now.

Love and hugs to my ‘tubes friends!

Ouyang Dan


Comments on: "I am Not Exactly Sure" (4)

  1. Hey girl,

    I am so sorry. That sounds like a big bag of unfair. I can only tell you that no matter the suckage now — it will get better. It won’t be this bad always.. eventually we crawl out of the hole. Take it as it comes, find the little moments of laughing and pleasure and know that I’m sending strength and love! Don’t let anyone tell you to “buck up” — ride out the shitty parts until you feel like you again. It’ll happen. I promise!

    Not sure about this blog 365 but if anything is bumming you out right now I say F— ’em.

    You hang in there!!!

  2. Love and Hugs to YOU
    All I can offer is my ear and my heart.
    They are here if you need them

  3. I have drawn back from the ‘tubes. I am still lurking and trying to keep up, but I am paranoid inside that if I interact I am going to upset someone

    Same here.

    I can offer a virtual hug, *hug* but no advice.

    It’s all I can do to shower and go to work these days. Thank FSM I have the kids to take care of. It forces me to move.

    Take care, you have a wonderful man and a wonderful child to take care of you.

    Let them.

  4. wonder said:

    (((((Ouyang Dan))))))

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