exactly that

guilt and fear

an apparently ongoing series.


if you have spent any time in my archives you may have found that i don’t appreciate guilt trips and fear mongering.  it does no one justice to play upon the two most manipulative emotions in the gamut of human ability.  laying guilt on someone only serves to make you feel better about yourself, and instilling fear into someone is a fun last ditch attempt when you know you have no other straws to grasp.


chances are, you could achieve the same ends w/ reason, or maybe a little effort.

i came home from work today to find a letter on my desk that is intended to make me fear a lot of things.  it worked, i am afraid.  i resent being afraid.  i resent being bullied when a little effort on the end of the bully could have resolved things appropriately.  when you have a history of being a bully, a violent one at that, you apparently feel you have no other alternative than what has apparently worked for you in the past.

you are wrong.

your pattern will show itself, and truth will prevail.

oh, yes, it will.


i have an email account that i don’t use anymore, for various reasons.  one is ease.  the one i use now is far easier to use.  i check the old one occasionally in case something important accidentally winds up there.  today i happened to find an email, written about a week and a half ago, from my ex husband.  it read an awful lot like a suicide note.  it ended w/ an explanation about how i could have avoided all of it.  apparently it is my fault.


guilt is a lot like ignoring privilege.  it allows us to massage our own feelings and avoid admitting our role in hurt or pain that has been caused.  it allows us to pretend that we are actually victims of those who are victimized by us.  when we lay guilt trips on someone we are trying to make them feel sorry for things that we have done ourselves.  we are trying to shift responsibility.

it’s kind of like when a grown man makes a five year old cry b/c she hasn’t called him.  here, the grown up has the responsibility of doing the grown up thing, but he is trying to shift the blame to a person who has been hurt by his lack of effort.  it’s charming.

it might sound callous that i make this comparison in this situation.  i have no idea what that email was supposed to achieve.  i can only offer that it must be really difficult for some people to admit that they are wrong.  i imagine it is far easier to make someone else feel guilty when we have done something to wrong them.  there are very great reasons why i am no longer married to this person.

there are very great reasons why i am no longer w/ the father of my child (in case you all haven’t caught on, these are not the same person).

in both situations i feel safer now, and on top of that, the happiness factor of the Kid and i has skyrocketed out of orbit.  (that sentence is awkward, and i am too tired to care).

to make a long post short (too late), i am really not a fan of fear mongering or guilt trips.  there are better ways to achieve your ends.  a little effort and a little respect go a long way.

guilt and fear are neither or those.


guilt and fear, part I


Comments on: "guilt and fear" (3)

  1. Well said friend. Well said.

  2. Once, long ago I couldn’t break up with a boy because he said he’d kill himself if I left him. You know what happened when I left him- he found another girl to guilt.

    Once it took me nearly 2 years to leave someone because they kept me scared. But living through that shit and getting out of that shit taught me that I am way tougher than I thought. Not a lot scares me now.

    Eventually the scary dude will get bored and move on, but you have to keep fighting him until then. It sucks. But once you’ve finally got him dealt with for good, you will feel much better. I promise.

  3. I have no patience for men who pull that shit. Or frankly for women who pull that shit. It’s manipulative and weak and the ultimate form of control. I’m glad you’re smart enough to see that for what it really is. Far too many good women get pulled back to douchebags like that because they feel responsible.

    But as RQ said, if you let ’em go, they’ll just find the next woman to hound.

    Can we set up something so if he emails you a cartoon fist comes out of his computer and punches him or something?

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