really, i have.
in the events of the last few weeks the controversy of the feminist blogosphere could not escape my attention. it is on pretty much every blog i read almost daily. it has both snapped me to attention and overwhelmed me.
and i haven’t written one word about it. not one.
partly b/c i don’t know how.
i admittedly don’t know how to approach or participate in issues involving race. i know that i find racism fucked up. i know that part of what feminism means to me is seeing all people as equals and treating them as such. i have wanted to be an ally for so long, and even considered myself such, until lately. as much as i try i can’t seem to find where i fit in this whole thing. if i say i want to help, am i overstepping and undermining those who are already doing such wonderful work? if i say nothing am i pretending that these things don’t exist?
it is not anyone’s job to teach me about racism or how to deal w/ it, or how to be an ally. this, i know. believe me, i know. but it is frustrating to want to be allied w/ other WOC and not fucking know how or if to fit in.
so i sit here and say nothing.
and i watch sadly as people who do incredible work turn away from the feminist blogosphere.
and it robs the world of one more voice. one more important voice throwing in the towel.
and feminism is all the worse for the wear.
but while i am sitting here, i am reading, and wondering, and trying to process it all.
b/c it isn’t about me, or what i want or how i fit. it is about people who don’t have to wonder b/c they are living it daily. and it is about the work they do, and the way we fail to support them.
i didn’t come into feminism realizing the way things worked. to me it was a philosophy. it was a way to help make sure that people get treated as people. it was supposed to mean that everyone is a human fucking being worthy of respect and dignity.
and what have i learned?
i learned that some of the people who have drawn me into the movement are missing half the point. while i sit here losing sleep and hurting for the loss of valuable voices they dodge or excuse what has been going on. it’s not what i thought it was or what i wanted it to be. but i am going to stick it out and try to work to make it what i thought it should be.
i learned that b/c i am perceivably white i am missing a whole section of women’s issues, fuck, of human issues, and that no matter how much i try to be an ally, i am never going to do it right or do it justice. this isn’t a “poor me” statement, but an admission that i simply don’t know what to do or where to begin.
so, i follow the only advice that i have gotten.
and i want all WOC/POC who stumble upon my blog to know i am listening. i always have been. i am a friend and an ally to those who want one. i am willing to just sit here and listen if that is what is wanted, also.
it is all i can do.
i am not a widely read and prolific blogger. i am not breaking any ground or changing any lives. i am fumbling along and grasping at straws. i broaden my reading list as i find more. i follow links and find things i didn’t know about before. i am a tiny infant in the feminist world, and am still trying to cover it all. i am learning to walk and missing half of the steps.
i started this project here to have an outlet, to start writing again. it has turned into so much more. but it has a long long way to go.
and some day i will hopefully get closer.
but, in the mean time, i will keep babbling.
but more importantly, i am going to keep listening.
b/c for the life of me i just can’t think of any other fucking thing to do.